Congratulations to the RIAA for being voted the most hated non-governmental organization in America. Haliburton put up a good fight, but just couldn’t grab enough headlines during the final round. If you’re not already familiar with the RIAA because they haven’t sued your kids yet, you can read the spin at their website or I’ll parse it for you:
1) What the RIAA says:
The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) is the trade group that represents the U.S. recording industry.
What they mean:
We’re corporate middlemen and lawyers banded together to fight our common enemies: artists and consumers. Before computers and the internet dropped the cost of recording and distribution to zero, we used to made a lot of money providing those services. However, it’s now clear that we’re doomed.
2) What the RIAA says:
Its mission is to foster a business and legal climate that supports and promotes our members’ creative and financial vitality.
What they mean:
Our goals are 1) to extend copyright protection as far as we can possibly get away with. 2) force new artists who have no power to hand over the rights to profits from their work to us. 3) keep people from sharing. Sharing is bad.
3) What the RIAA says:
Its members are the record companies that comprise the most vibrant national music industry in the world.
What they mean:
Everybody has a damned iPod. Now that there’s competition we can’t figure out how to get you people to keep buying our formulaic overpriced CDs with one good song on them. If we had the creativity to do deal with this shit, we’d be musicians ourselves.
4) What the RIAA says:
RIAA members create, manufacture and/or distribute approximately 90% of all legitimate sound recordings produced and sold in the United States.
What they mean:
Between us, we had this industry by the balls from the 1950s to the 1990s.
5) What the RIAA says:
In support of this mission, the RIAA works to protect intellectual property rights worldwide and the First Amendment rights of artists; conduct consumer industry and technical research; and monitor and review - - state and federal laws, regulations and policies.
What they mean:
Our lobbyists have their heads so far up Congress’ ass, you can’t tell where one organization starts and the other leaves off.
6) What the RIAA says:
The RIAA also certifies Gold®, Platinum®, Multi-Platinum™, and Diamond® sales awards, and recently launched Los Premios De Oro y Platino™, a new award celebrating Latin music sales.
What they mean:
We keep track of who plays what to make sure we get paid.
The RIAA certainly has what it takes to consistently be a contender, and I think we’ll be watching them in the finals again next year.
This year’s results
Here’s this year’s completed bracket. Notice the ease with which the RIAA dismissed it’s early round opponents. Also, check out United Airlines. They came out looking like Google in this crowd.
Image from Consumerist.com
Looking forward to next year
If the RIAA is going to make it back to the dance next year, they’re going to have to step it up. Viacom clearly has their sights set on the 2008 trophy, and they have already opened up a sizable lead.
The problem for the RIAA is how to top a stunning year of lawsuits against 12 year old cancer patients and grandmothers. It won’t be easy, but I have an idea: the RIAA should hire Dick Cheney. Think about it. He’s the guy that made Haliburton who they are today, and if the Bush Administration played in this league, no one else would have scored a vote.
With Cheney at the helm the RIAA would be unstoppable. I don’t think the word “dynasty” is too strong. We’re talking a John Wooden/UCLA 1964-1975 championship run. It would be a thing of evil beauty.
Thanks to Consumerist.com for sponsoring the tournament, and good luck to all the participants next year. It looks to be another great year for the fans.
Really Funny Related Stuff
Brian Briggs | RIAA Updates Mission Statement to Reflect Priorities
Brian Briggs | RIAA Lawsuit Decision Flowchart
Really Insightful Related Stuff
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